This doesn’t have to be a big deal, does it?
Right. I’ll just come out and say it: I killed one of my characters.
I’m pretty sure it wasn’t my fault. I just watched it happen on the page, like a car accident in slow motion (in quite beautiful writing, I might add). I was just normally going about my twenty-something thousand words, and then… it happened. The moment I finished, I felt a bit… ill.
Please don’t tell me all the standard responses, such as: it happens; it’s a part of life; she had it coming; what are you on about, it’s just a character. None of these will bring me any comfort.
Ok, I feel a bit like an amateur when I say this, but it’s true: I had never killed a character before. Sure, I had hinted that a character was gone; in a subtle, he/she was too old to be among us kind of way, but I never, ever, made it up close and personal.
I’m surprised at how sad it feels. I know that we can’t always save them. Sometimes they live, sometimes they die, but to stare at them in the eye and pull the metaphorical trigger is an interesting experience. Picture this: I’m not a person who’s particularly fond of confrontation. I try to be pleasant whenever I can – honest to God – to all kinds of people. Really. So to take one of my characters, which I spent a while crafting on paper and inside my head and say, you’re off to meet your maker (so to speak), is a bit of a big deal for me. I have this feeling of loss, like now all I want to do is revisit what I’ve written so far: could I save her? Was it something she said? Did I write her life really as fully as it should have been written?
As I was just about done, The Angry Chef looked at me and asked why I wasn’t ready yet. Half of my hair was blow-dried, the other half was still damp and scrunched up together with a hair clip. I was still in my bathrobe, with a guilty-looking hairdrier next to me, and my makeup wasn’t even close to done. The taxi would be here in twenty minutes, so I had to rush.
But now I just took another look and tweaked it a little; I’m now at 24,047 words. I don’t even want to think about leaving tomorrow; I’ll adjust my own challenge and say I aim to have done 25,000 words by Sunday – fingers crossed!
Thank you so much for reading, and have a good night.